nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
