totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
