Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
