i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
