I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
