The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Even my vagina gasped.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
