Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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