Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I fill condoms, not promises.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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