You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
