I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Randomize
