Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
