kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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