I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
