I just saw a hot homeless man
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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