so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
