did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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