I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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