CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
