Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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