Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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