At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
