1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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