My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
