so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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