i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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