She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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