Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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