Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
