I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
