He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
