was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I had to cum in my sink.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
