my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
