Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
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