I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I think my moral compass just broke
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
