I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
