mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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