Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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