the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
