I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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