Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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