half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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