i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
