Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
