; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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