I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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