yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
