Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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