I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
