I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Soap is not a condiment
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
