My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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