I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
