She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
