I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
