from now on my penis is your penis
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
