i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Houston, we have a squirter
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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