Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
