She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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