I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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