'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
