I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
