Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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