my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
